


What the Heart Wants

by VoidGhost



Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: Angst, Canon-Typical Violence, Crushes, F/M, First Kiss, Getting Together, M/M, Many first kisses, Mutual Pining, Polyamory
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-08-23
Updated: 2019-08-22
Packaged: 2020-09-24 10:22:30
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,447
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20356894
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/VoidGhost/pseuds/VoidGhost
Summary: Growing up, Caleb always thought he would marry a beautiful woman and have exactly two kids: one boy and one girl. It was a plan he made when he was young, when he longed for a sister. It was a Plan that his parents reinforced. It was a Plan he believed was on track when he met Astrid.It was a Plan entirely derailed when he burned down his childhood home.Ever since, Caleb believed he never deserved a perfect life like that. Especially not with Astrid, the only woman he ever had a chance to love. If she was still alive.But also, recently, there had been some ...interesting developments.Or,Caleb, Fjord, and Jester struggle to figure out what they want from each other.





	What the Heart Wants

**Author's Note:**

> I recently fell down the caleb/jester/fjord rabbit hole and here we are.  
two more chapters are planned, from each characters' povs, so look forward to it whenever i get the urge to finish this lmao.

Caleb wasn’t quite sure how it had happened. It snuck up on him, really. Like quick sand. Didn’t realize he was in the thick of it until it was too late to get back out. 

Growing up, Caleb always thought he would marry a beautiful woman and have exactly two kids: one boy and one girl. It was a plan he made when he was young, when he longed for a sister. It was a Plan that his parents reinforced. It was a Plan he believed was on track when he met Astrid. 

It was a plan entirely derailed when he burned down his childhood home. 

Ever since, Caleb believed he never deserved a perfect life like that. Especially not with Astrid, the only woman he ever had a chance to love. If she was still alive. 

But also, recently, there had been some ...interesting developments. 

Caleb liked women, that was a fact he was aware of since he first made his Plan, but he also knew he was drawn to some men. Eodwulf was the trigger for that awakening. Tall, strong, not so bright, but a heart of gold. He never had a chance to explore that attraction - he was more occupied with fulfilling his Plan with Astrid - but he had always been curious about it. A thought he revisited at times. 

With this new group, and this new life, he never thought he’d have a chance - or if he deserved it. So when he started  _ noticing  _ Jester, then  _ noticing _ Fjord, he thought it would stop at that. 

(Privately, secretly, he also  _ noticed  _ Mollymauk - but that not here nor there.) 

Over time, though, it became a little bit more. A little bit more when he began to admire Jester’s strength, her determination in battle, and the unrelenting kindness she gave them all, but especially to Caleb, who doesn’t deserve a moment of it. A little more when he began to admire Fjord’s self-preservation, how easily he slid into leadership even reluctantly, and the privilege of hearing Fjord’s smooth cadence of his true accent (however few times he did hear it). 

And ‘a little bit more’ became ‘a lot more’ and suddenly, dreadfully, he found himself having  _ feelings  _ of all things. Of thinking of Jester and Astrid, not quite comparing, but not quite finding differences, either. Both were strong, capable, determined. But where Astrid was sharp-tongued and quick, Jester was kind and caring. He found himself making such comparisons so often that he had a slip of the tongue one night. 

“You were always a better dancer than me, Astrid,” He said, his drunken tongue slurring the edges while his error flew over his head. 

“Astrid?” Came an accented voice that wasn’t Zemnian.

He realized all at once that he wasn’t having a memory flash of one of their ballroom celebrations oh so long ago, and it wasn’t Astrid that he was waltzing with. 

“Oh.” Caleb backed away and stumbled. “I’m sorry.” He attempted to go in the direction he believed the stairs were, but everything was tilting on its axis. 

He was about to stumble into a different couple dancing, when a strong blue arm circled his waist and kept his balance. Something was mumbled in his ear about keeping a promise, and Jester helped him up the stairs and into bed. 

He remembered the covers being tucked around him, about a soft hand brushing the hair from his face, about a soft goodnight whispered in the dark. He wasn’t sure if he remembered a pair of lips pressing against his forehead, or if it was wishful thinking, but after that, he passed out for good. 

Of course, it escalated after that. He stopped making comparisons and began to see the things in Jester that nobody else could compare to. The purple blush on her cheeks and down her neck when a fight exhausts them all. The crooked smile that wasn’t quite a grin when she spoke to Caleb, her voice lightly teasing. The sketches of dicks that would pop up in his spellbook unexpectedly that always made a snicker rise out of him. 

And then the Plan floated into view from the back of his mind, this time with Jester in the picture, and he realized he was in too deep.

Yet, it didn’t stop there. 

His realization of Fjord was slower, more discreet. Like it snuck up on him while he was distracted by his growing crush on Jester. Like one day, Fjord was an adversary who held a sword to his throat to keep him stealing a measly scroll, and the next he was sitting below the deck of a ship, looking at a fresh scar on his palm and remembering Fjord’s hand in his, the promise they shared. And suddenly wishing that there was more to it. 

And that moment hit him like a boulder rolling down a hill. Alone in his bunk, suddenly juggling two different affections, Caleb didn’t know what to do with himself. It felt like the obvious choice was Jester - the remnants of the Plan calling out to him - but at the same time, he was held back. He wanted  _ more  _ than that. 

And wasn’t that selfish? He couldn’t have  _ both _ . He didn’t even deserve one of them. 

And yet--

_ And yet-- _

No. He couldn’t entertain frivolous thoughts. 

Frustrated, Caleb turned and went to sleep. 

And maybe, despite his self-control, he thought about courting one of them. He thought about summoning the charm he used to have and seeing where it leads him. But deciding between the two was near impossible. 

Maybe he should’ve paid more attention. Maybe he should’ve decided sooner. Maybe he was too late. 

Because then he was watching Fjord save a dying Jester by giving her his air. And it would’ve been a beautiful sight, deep underwater, if they weren’t all on the verge of drowning. Caleb didn’t really think much of it at the time, but he did notice Jester’s dazed look, the odd glances she’d send Fjord’s way afterwards. 

And then, later: “Well, you know when you really like somebody, but then you start to know them, and you go 'do I like them, or do I like who I thought they were?'” Jester was saying, her fingers curled in a lock of her hair, her face a lovely shade of violet, “And then you don’t know? And then you think they were flirting with you but then you find out they probably weren't, you know? And so you feel like kind of sad about it. And maybe a little stupid?"

And Caleb understood a little too well. He knew where Jester was coming from, because while she was stabbing drawings of Avantika with a pencil, Caleb was worrying the hem of his coat while he watched Fjord and Avantika together, jealousy stinging him like salt in a wound. 

And yet, all he felt for Jester was sympathy. 

Maybe that was when he realized what was actually happening: the Plan wasn’t for him after all. 

If there was a reason why this particular thing never worked out for Caleb, beyond the fact that he didn’t deserve it, it was because they didn’t notice him. 

They were too busy looking at each other. 

-

He was hurting, they were all hurting, but he had a special fatigue left in his mind, a leftover effect from the charm held over him. He still remembered the sweet voice that talked him into it, one that sounded like Astrid and Jester and Fjord all at once, one that told him to be scared. To run, and to  _ hurt _ . 

So he did, and then he was beaten almost to death, and then again, and again. Jester constantly had to pull him out of it. He had never felt more like a burden than at that moment. 

Afterwards, there was guilt. There was a need for redemption. 

Maybe he needed to apologize. 

Ugh. He wasn’t good at that. 

Not in the sense that he doesn’t apologize. In fact, he’s sure he apologizes too much nowadays. He’s got a lot to be sorry for. But then he might come off as insincere…

And now he’s thinking too much.  _ Verdammt _ . 

Before he could talk himself out of it, Caleb found Jester chatting lowly to a haggard Caduceus. That had been a frightening moment, even more so than bouncing between life and death himself. Because Caduceus had been  _ gone  _ gone, and it was lucky that they had that diamond to bring him back. 

They looked up when he approached. Caduceus, despite just being brought back to life, had the same deep awareness in his eyes that never failed to make Caleb uneasy. He took one glance at Caleb and smiled, almost privately, at him, before standing up. 

“Thank you, Jester,” Caduceus said, his slow timber echoing in the caves. “I think I will go rest now. Will you be summoning the hut soon, Caleb?”

“Of course. Take care, Caduceus.” 

Caduceus nodded and left the private corner, incidentally providing partial cover from where the rest of their group was recovering. From this distance, Caleb could see Beauregard patching up the wraps on her arms, Nott hastily switching out her explosive bolts with normal ones before Caduceus arrived, Yasha pressing fingers to her temple - undoubtedly the charm on her left a nasty headache - and Fjord, almost as beaten as Caleb was, leaned against the cave’s wall on the verge of sleep. He should make this quick. 

“Cay-leb, do you need a health potion?” Jester asked, looking as haggard as the rest of them. “I don’t have the energy for another spell right now, though.” 

“That’s alright Jester,” Caleb said, settling in place beside her. “I will sleep it off. I just wanted to…” His words caught in his throat. He cleared his throat and tried again, “Thank you.” 

Jester blinked. “For what?”

“For…” For saving his life? It’s pointless to thank her for that now. They all have debt to each other. “For being here. You kept us all on our feet. Mostly me, heh.” 

“Oh Caleb, it’s not your fault you’re fragile,” Jester said, teasingly poking him in the shoulder. “And anyway, why wouldn’t I be there for my friends?” 

_ Friends _ . Right. Caleb shifts away from her. “I’m not suggesting you wouldn’t. I just want to…notice your effort. You deserve that at least.” 

A smile blossoms, and with it, that lovely shade of purple across her cheeks. This close, Caleb could see dots of dark blue freckles, like stars reflected on the sea. Caleb felt himself soften at the sight. 

“I do not know where I would be without you,  _ liebling _ ,” He murmured. Lethargy made his filter weak, and he caught himself moments later, “ _ We _ . I do not know where  _ we _ would be. Without you.” He finished lamely, turning away and hiding his face. 

There was a pause. Jester giggled. 

“ _ Cay- _ leb,” Jester cooed. Caleb felt fingers brush a ginger lock from his forehead. “Did you mean that?”

He finally turned to face her again and froze. She was smiling, but it was softer, more vulnerable than he’s ever seen her. Caleb swallowed past the stone in his throat. 

“Of course I did,” He said, just above a whisper. “You mean so much to me,  _ liebling _ . Your presence, your spirit. I mean it when I say I do not know where I would be if you were not with us, my dear.” 

He paused when he felt the hand hovering around his head freeze. Her smile had fallen, replaced with something far more distressed, her bright purple eyes suspiciously shiny. 

“ _ Scheisse _ .” Caleb turned on his knees and cupped her face, wiping away a stray tear that slipped down her cheek when she blinked. “I messed this up, didn’t I?”

Jester abruptly laughed, startling Caleb to pull his hands away. 

“No, Caleb,” Jester said, in between her fit of giggles. Her hands threaded themselves in the lapels of Caleb’s coat. “You made this  _ better _ .” 

He didn’t have time to decipher what that meant, because the next moment he was being pulled into an enthusiastic kiss. 

Finally getting what he wanted, Caleb wasn’t going to back down. His hands stuttered in the air until they settled on her waist, his fingers gripping bunches in her dress. It occurred to him as he tilted his head to deepen the kiss that this might be a new experience for Jester. She followed his lead, pressing into the kiss only after he did, opening her mouth only after he did. Her hands slid from his chest to behind his neck and over his shoulder, pressing him closer, impossibly closer. 

Caleb broke away when he realized his hands were shaking. Their foreheads pressed together, the small space between them hot with their heavy breaths. Jester’s face was flushed with that lovely lavender color that disappeared down the collar of her dress. A passing thought told him to follow the trail - something for another day. 

A nervous giggle erupted from Jester. She ducked her head into his shoulder, her shoulders shaking from her laughter. Caleb held her, running circles on her back as he hid his own anxious grin in her hair. 

“Sorry,” She said as she finally pulled back. “That was my first real kiss, you know?” 

Caleb did know. “I hope it lived up to your expectations,  _ liebling _ .” 

Jester giggled again. “It was even  _ better _ , Cay-leb!”

“Well, I am glad.” 

Distantly, a familiar shrill voice called out, “Caleb! Are you gonna make the hut or not?!”

Hastily, Caleb grabbed one of Jester’s hands before she could pull away and pressed a delicate kiss on her knuckles. “We’ll talk about this later,  _ ja _ ?”

Jester nodded hard enough that the jewelry on her horns clinked together. Caleb made a move to stand up and join the rest of the group, but before he could leave, Jester tugged him down again and gave him an eager kiss. One, two. Caleb laughed against her lips until he was free to finally pull away. 

They walked back together with a respectable distance between them, but nothing could stop the buzzing that they each felt running through them, as if struck by lightning. If anyone noticed the change between them, no one spoke a word as Caleb summoned the hut and they settled into their bedrolls. 

In the dark, Caleb felt Jester sidle up to him, curling against his side. He wrapped an arm around her and kissed her forehead, inexplicably fond as she melted against him. Warm and together, they dozed off. 

Caleb didn’t let himself think about missing anything, or anyone, in particular, not when he had Jester in his arms. 


End file.
